Whose principles are these, anyway?

There are many challenges to Unschooling, and I think this one might just be the biggest for me so far. It's the idea that one kind of learning is as valuable as any other kind of learning, because different people need different information, and learn different things from the exact same presentation of information. That parents should not dictate the majority of their children's educations.

Now, I realize some of you are going to find this to be topsy-turvy, but bear with me for a moment. Let's take Tex as an example, and his process of learning to read. Now, y'all should know in advance that I love reading. Reading is the thing I do when I don't have to do anything else. If I sit down in front of the tv, or to eat, or on the toilet, I feel I am lacking if I don't have a book or at least a magazine for my companion. Tex, on the other hand, has always valued the story, but not so much the process of reading. He knew his letters when he was 2 (because he asked, and we answered) and he knew the sounds they made when he was 4 (because they taught that in preschool, and sometimes he wanted to know). He's had a good reading basis and as his parents we did everything we could to help him along in the reading process. He's played reading games on the computer and the kitchen table, we've read Easy Reader books and story books and chapter books, because reading is very important to us. The challenge is this: until he was naturally ready to read, all the games and encouragement and quizzing and pressure, all they really did was make him feel that he was less than a child who could read. Oh, he loves the stories and would have someone read to him all day long, probably, if any of us had that kind of time and vocal stamina, but reading has been a by-the-by sort of thing for him. It just wasn't something he needed to do, and it wasn't something he wanted to do, and I don't think our pressure and desire for him to read made him learn any faster. What they did do was make him feel slower. Noodle is reading now, at 5 1/2, words that Tex didn't figure out until last year, and he's done it with none of the pressure, none of the coaching, and none of the feelings of inadequacy.

I hate sports. I'm not really good at any of them, I don't like learning the rules and regulations, I don't even like watching a great many of them. The Olympics are just my sports-speed: lots of variety and they only happen once every couple of years. I understand the importance of exercise and its value to the body, but beyond that I just don't. like. sports. But... just because I don't see the fun in them doesn't mean I shouldn't smile when my child tells me that his favorite team won the game, or celebrate when he climbs a rock wall all the way to the top, or bowls a better score than he ever has before, or finds the baseball card he's been after for months. I don't value sports, but I shouldn't discourage my kids from enjoying them.

So I have begun to see how it is that parents can damage their child's healthy sense of wonder and inquisitiveness by how we value different things and expect or demand our children to do the same. Do I think it's important to finish a really tricky level of a video game? Heck, no, I don't. But have I watched my husband stay up until 2 a.m. trying to get all gold stars on Mario Kart? Oh yes, I have. And I don't shame him for it. It's his life, it's his sleep deficit, they're his priorities. Why would I not allow my children to have the same freedom in as large a portion as they feel secure in handling? That's key, by the way, that you don't give children more freedom than they are capable of feeling secure with. And that's not a coded way of saying "as much freedom as they can have and still make the right choices according to MY values", it means that I have to watch my child to see if they are loving the freedom or feel they are being left to twist in the wind.

So it started this summer that we removed restrictions for "screen time": tv, video games, and computer time. We had originally only allowed them to have, maximum, about 45 minutes of video game play at a time, but when the restrictions were lifted I noticed that my kids have quite a spirit of persistence, WHEN it's something they are motivated to complete. They spent hours in focused work, figuring out the little tricks for each level, getting faster. We had discussions of teamwork, and the difference between encouraging and discouraging your playmates, and how to handle the frustration of losing. Why should I tell my son that it is more important to finish a chapter in a book than it is to finish a level on a video game, simply because I do not value video games as much as he does, and when he is learning so much from playing them? Is it fair to interrupt my child in an activity which he considers urgent, and engaging, and worth his time, in order to have him participate in an activity that I find more worthwhile? Assuming that health and safety are not at issue, WHY do parents have such a hard time letting children develop their own values?? WHERE did we get the idea that our children are supposed to grow up to like and value the same things that we do??

It's not easy, this shift. I have had to realize that joy is the most important thing. The joy my son gets from completing a level on LEGO Batman is the same joy I get when I finish reading a really good book, so why would I want to deny him that joy simply because it wouldn't be joyful for me? I wouldn't be very happy if someone insisted that I had to play video games all day long, if they found them to be more valuable and had that sort of authority over me. So it become a matter of giving my children the freedom to find their own joy, and not to judge if what brings them joy is not something I would have chosen for them. It is choosing to be a joy enabler, instead of a joy crusher.

Will I have limits on this? Clearly. I hope my children will not find joy in damaging the body or mind of another living creature, or themselves for that matter, and in those kinds of extremes of course I would take action. But I shouldn't care too much if they want to spend their time watching Wallace & Gromit and Fantastic Mr. Fox for a year, especially since I don't know if it could potentially lead to them designing and filming their own stop-motion animation and eventually a career in the film industry. I hope my children will come to know the power of Christ in their lives and work hard to be who He has called them to be. But I shouldn't worry too much if they do as I did and spend years exploring the possibilities, even if those years extend beyond mine and I never see them come to Christ. In fact it will be much better if I simply choose to live my life according to the principles I have chosen, to follow Jesus and love all my fellow men with the abundance and faith which He has shown to me, rather than shaming others (my children included) for not finding the same answer I have found. I would hope that as my children grow and become more mature, that they will take more responsibility for the care of the space we share, and be more conscientious of the work they create for others. But I shouldn't take 60 seconds from both our days and interrupt what they're doing to clean up a mess which I could have cleaned up in 10 seconds because doing so was valuable to me.

It probably sounds foreign to many of you. A few of you probably don't understand how this could NOT lead to children who are entitled brats. My only response is that if I ever feel I'm being taken advantage of, then I will discuss it with my housemates and trust in our love for each other to help us find a solution that works for everyone. I'm not out to coddle my children or remove all the strife from their life. I just think it makes a difference when you believe in what you're working for, and that my children should have the opportunity to feel that sense of purpose rather than having to work almost exclusively towards goals that I have chosen as the most worthy. I'd rather they get to be themselves all their lives instead of spending years trying to find joy in my expectations. And if I can just get that tattooed on my hands I might have a prayer of remembering it next time I find a swath of LEGO, ripe with value and sharp edges, all over our playroom floor. And when I DO remember, I will feel the joy of being successful at something I value: peace.