Whose principles are these, anyway?

There are many challenges to Unschooling, and I think this one might just be the biggest for me so far. It's the idea that one kind of learning is as valuable as any other kind of learning, because different people need different information, and learn different things from the exact same presentation of information. That parents should not dictate the majority of their children's educations.

Now, I realize some of you are going to find this to be topsy-turvy, but bear with me for a moment. Let's take Tex as an example, and his process of learning to read. Now, y'all should know in advance that I love reading. Reading is the thing I do when I don't have to do anything else. If I sit down in front of the tv, or to eat, or on the toilet, I feel I am lacking if I don't have a book or at least a magazine for my companion. Tex, on the other hand, has always valued the story, but not so much the process of reading. He knew his letters when he was 2 (because he asked, and we answered) and he knew the sounds they made when he was 4 (because they taught that in preschool, and sometimes he wanted to know). He's had a good reading basis and as his parents we did everything we could to help him along in the reading process. He's played reading games on the computer and the kitchen table, we've read Easy Reader books and story books and chapter books, because reading is very important to us. The challenge is this: until he was naturally ready to read, all the games and encouragement and quizzing and pressure, all they really did was make him feel that he was less than a child who could read. Oh, he loves the stories and would have someone read to him all day long, probably, if any of us had that kind of time and vocal stamina, but reading has been a by-the-by sort of thing for him. It just wasn't something he needed to do, and it wasn't something he wanted to do, and I don't think our pressure and desire for him to read made him learn any faster. What they did do was make him feel slower. Noodle is reading now, at 5 1/2, words that Tex didn't figure out until last year, and he's done it with none of the pressure, none of the coaching, and none of the feelings of inadequacy.

I hate sports. I'm not really good at any of them, I don't like learning the rules and regulations, I don't even like watching a great many of them. The Olympics are just my sports-speed: lots of variety and they only happen once every couple of years. I understand the importance of exercise and its value to the body, but beyond that I just don't. like. sports. But... just because I don't see the fun in them doesn't mean I shouldn't smile when my child tells me that his favorite team won the game, or celebrate when he climbs a rock wall all the way to the top, or bowls a better score than he ever has before, or finds the baseball card he's been after for months. I don't value sports, but I shouldn't discourage my kids from enjoying them.

So I have begun to see how it is that parents can damage their child's healthy sense of wonder and inquisitiveness by how we value different things and expect or demand our children to do the same. Do I think it's important to finish a really tricky level of a video game? Heck, no, I don't. But have I watched my husband stay up until 2 a.m. trying to get all gold stars on Mario Kart? Oh yes, I have. And I don't shame him for it. It's his life, it's his sleep deficit, they're his priorities. Why would I not allow my children to have the same freedom in as large a portion as they feel secure in handling? That's key, by the way, that you don't give children more freedom than they are capable of feeling secure with. And that's not a coded way of saying "as much freedom as they can have and still make the right choices according to MY values", it means that I have to watch my child to see if they are loving the freedom or feel they are being left to twist in the wind.

So it started this summer that we removed restrictions for "screen time": tv, video games, and computer time. We had originally only allowed them to have, maximum, about 45 minutes of video game play at a time, but when the restrictions were lifted I noticed that my kids have quite a spirit of persistence, WHEN it's something they are motivated to complete. They spent hours in focused work, figuring out the little tricks for each level, getting faster. We had discussions of teamwork, and the difference between encouraging and discouraging your playmates, and how to handle the frustration of losing. Why should I tell my son that it is more important to finish a chapter in a book than it is to finish a level on a video game, simply because I do not value video games as much as he does, and when he is learning so much from playing them? Is it fair to interrupt my child in an activity which he considers urgent, and engaging, and worth his time, in order to have him participate in an activity that I find more worthwhile? Assuming that health and safety are not at issue, WHY do parents have such a hard time letting children develop their own values?? WHERE did we get the idea that our children are supposed to grow up to like and value the same things that we do??

It's not easy, this shift. I have had to realize that joy is the most important thing. The joy my son gets from completing a level on LEGO Batman is the same joy I get when I finish reading a really good book, so why would I want to deny him that joy simply because it wouldn't be joyful for me? I wouldn't be very happy if someone insisted that I had to play video games all day long, if they found them to be more valuable and had that sort of authority over me. So it become a matter of giving my children the freedom to find their own joy, and not to judge if what brings them joy is not something I would have chosen for them. It is choosing to be a joy enabler, instead of a joy crusher.

Will I have limits on this? Clearly. I hope my children will not find joy in damaging the body or mind of another living creature, or themselves for that matter, and in those kinds of extremes of course I would take action. But I shouldn't care too much if they want to spend their time watching Wallace & Gromit and Fantastic Mr. Fox for a year, especially since I don't know if it could potentially lead to them designing and filming their own stop-motion animation and eventually a career in the film industry. I hope my children will come to know the power of Christ in their lives and work hard to be who He has called them to be. But I shouldn't worry too much if they do as I did and spend years exploring the possibilities, even if those years extend beyond mine and I never see them come to Christ. In fact it will be much better if I simply choose to live my life according to the principles I have chosen, to follow Jesus and love all my fellow men with the abundance and faith which He has shown to me, rather than shaming others (my children included) for not finding the same answer I have found. I would hope that as my children grow and become more mature, that they will take more responsibility for the care of the space we share, and be more conscientious of the work they create for others. But I shouldn't take 60 seconds from both our days and interrupt what they're doing to clean up a mess which I could have cleaned up in 10 seconds because doing so was valuable to me.

It probably sounds foreign to many of you. A few of you probably don't understand how this could NOT lead to children who are entitled brats. My only response is that if I ever feel I'm being taken advantage of, then I will discuss it with my housemates and trust in our love for each other to help us find a solution that works for everyone. I'm not out to coddle my children or remove all the strife from their life. I just think it makes a difference when you believe in what you're working for, and that my children should have the opportunity to feel that sense of purpose rather than having to work almost exclusively towards goals that I have chosen as the most worthy. I'd rather they get to be themselves all their lives instead of spending years trying to find joy in my expectations. And if I can just get that tattooed on my hands I might have a prayer of remembering it next time I find a swath of LEGO, ripe with value and sharp edges, all over our playroom floor. And when I DO remember, I will feel the joy of being successful at something I value: peace.

First Day of "School"

So the public schools went back in session today, which always puts me in the frame of mind to get our learning kicked back into gear as well. This doesn't really mean anything other than me being less on the computer and cleaning up the house and more available to say "yes" to board games and setting up projects and going places. I may also strew more learning toys about in strategic locations and invite more involvement into my own projects, although in truth I'm making it a personal goal to be more open to assistance in my "grown up responsibilities" at all times.

I was astounded today to see how much Noodle's reading has progressed! It all started when we were returning from MonkeyGirl's parent/child gymnastics class (she's SO excited to be back!!) and the boys asked if we could play Silly Sentences when we got home. Sure, we can do that! So we get home, set out the puzzle-style words designed to fit together in a limited number of ways (articles only attach to adjectives and nouns, and nouns to verbs on the other side, then prepositions, which feed back into articles), and off they go putting sentences together. We don't take turns, we just all do our best to make the silliest sentences we can. Stuff like "The furry, blue banana climbed on the sad, scary duck." Except the game doesn't include commas, which bothers me. They have periods, why don't they have commas for multiple adjectives?? Yes, I am a grammar nerd. Learn to love it.

Anyway, back to the Noodle, he was doing a great job reading almost all of the words in the game, and even with the pieces that had pictures on them (nouns and colors) I could see him moving his lips to sound out the accompanying words. Then after lunch we played another game, it's some pirate octopus treasure game with beginning and ending sound blends that you can mix up to form multiple words (sw- goes with -ing, -ap) and again Noodle worked to sound out his own words and mine. We played that game three times!

Tex played with us once and in contrast to last year when he was still working hard to read each blend, most of them come to him quite instantly now. He's still not ready to give up the security and speed of someone else reading to him, but I'm confident that he is making steady progress. He is certainly interested enough in storytelling! We're almost finished with the last of Nick Riordan's Percy Jackson books, and I'm curious to see where we'll be going after this. Tex definitely likes to have adventure in his stories, so I'll probably continue in my hunt to see what sort of series are out there that would appeal. My particular challenge is to find something that might be interesting to both the boys, as our books usually end up being bedtime material and it's easier if they're both engaged. The big hits over the last year were the Star Wars junior novelizations, the Narnia series (though we stalled out at Voyage of the Dawn Treader), and How to Train Your Dragon. I may try to talk them into The Tale of Desperaux next, since it's funny and adventurous (AND has illustrations, a big draw for Noodle). Or we may finish The Odyssey if they want to continue the Greek theme, or D'Aulaires Book of Greek Myths. So many options.

Tex and I also had a fraction discussion today. This kid loves fractions. He was telling me how much of his banana he had eaten, and he started with an estimate of 3/4, then said "no, it was a little more than 3/4, I think. Like two and a half thirds." I came back with "oh, ok, so that would be 5/6". He thought about that for a minute and said "thank you for making that a simpler fraction, but do you know what? Even though what you said makes more sense, it's actually much easier to say 'two and a half thirds' than it is to say five sixths." I couldn't even argue with that. The word "sixths" is a pain in the tokhes and should be avoided at all costs.