When academics don't matter

I always get the itch at this time of the year to look back and see how my children have grown.  It's normal, I guess, given my own experience of the "school year" and how surrounded we are by schooling families.  But this time I find the growth hard to put into little boxes and define in words, because so many huge changes have happened this year.  This is the year that we let go of bedtimes and encouraged our children to start listening to their bodies.  This is the year that we stopped punishing our kids and started problem-solving with them.  This is the year that I stopped mentally fussing about whether we were getting in enough math, science, reading, history, what have you, and just started letting my children be.  This is the year when we got joy.  Or maybe the joy got us.

Y'all know Tex, he is my tough nut, my Contrarian, my challenge.  He gets anxious, he gets overwhelmed, he panics, and he has a hard time sometimes coming back to center and letting anyone help him find a solution to his problem because he is convinced it's a problem so big that there is no solution.  So the other day when I was puttering around the kitchen and overhearing Tex's end of a Skype conversation as he was gaming with a friend, I was bowled over by joy while listening to him.  Something was obviously going wrong for this friend on the game they were playing, I could hear her hollering even through Tex's headphones, but Tex remained chill.  In fact he said, "okay, calm down, take a deep breath... now, tell me what you were doing when that happened, and we'll figure out what went wrong."  ????    !!!!!   Oh my goodness, is this my child?  This helper, this reasonable voice, this soother and problem-solver?  And they did it, too, the two of them together figured out what the problem was and they behaved differently the next time so that it wouldn't happen again.  I couldn't have been happier.  Does it mean that he gets measurably less frantic when he is having a problem?  Nah, we're not there quite yet.  But now I know we'll get there, because the process is sinking in.

I can see it even more clearly in Noodle and Monkeygirl, whether because their personalities are easier or because they've been parented with more consistent kindness.  Noodle is never scared to stand up for himself or what he thinks is right, even to another adult.  He comforts his little sister and helps her joyfully when she needs it (as long he's not at a crucial point in his computer game, natch).  He will take responsibility for his own care as much as he can rather than expect someone else to do it.  He creates solutions with his friends to help things be fair rather than let one person feel unhappy or left behind.  And even little Monkeygirl, princess-y though she may be, will grab a foam sword and rush to her brothers' aid if she perceives that they are being treated unfairly.  She comforts her friends when they are sad and shares with them when they are feeling a scarcity (unless you want her favorite crown, then you are S.O.L., dude).  She tells the truth even when it makes her look bad and apologizes without prompting when she knows she is wrong.

This is what I  mean about how sometimes academics don't matter.  If I could choose to have my children be of good character but short on book learning, I would pick that in a hot second over the opposite.  Luckily, no such extremes are necessary, and my children can grow to have a good dose of both.  But this is what I see lacking so much in schools, where the focus is on learning the material, and the character traits that we see as being most desirable in adults (and which I see countless news articles and friends lamenting the lack of in our children's generation) are barely nurtured at all.  Far too often, in institutions of many kinds, obedience is more important than standing up for one's convictions; memorization is more important than critical thinking; working for the reward (good grades, praise) is more important than self-motivation.  And for some children it's not enough for them to get a few hours of good examples at home (if they're even lucky enough to get that) if they're spending seven hours a day being shown that that's not what gets them ahead.  Will schools still turn out some kids who are intelligent, strong, well-read, and of good character?  Yes, but I'm convinced that it's in spite of the school's role (and thanks to some wonderful, realistic, dedicated teachers) not because of it. Now, have we had academic growth this year?  You bet your sweet bippy we have.  I even wrote out a whole paragraph of cool stuff the kids do and know, but then I deleted it, because at this point it just doesn't matter.  That kind of learning can happen anytime, whenever they need it.  Character has to start NOW.